Scaaaahbura Paht II

I think that I just posted this thing with nothing other than the title. If you are on my site right now, there is probably a title and nothing else following it. You are probably incredibly confused and frustrated that you did something wrong, when in fact I just hit Enter instead of Tab. If you are reading this, however, you have waited the right amount of time for the full published tally of the continuing excitement that is this year's family jaunt to the coast of Maine. While things are happening at a pace that can only be described as frenetic, I still have to catch things up from my first several days of foolhardy laziness and inefficiency.

I noticed that in the comment section of yesterday's posting, we have far fewer responses than I would expect with such a vivid tapestry of images and characters. Along with the challenge of writing this thing with every possible target of this story stopping what they are doing to read as I am doing my best to get this thing caught up is the fact that most of the characters in this intricate story line are right here reading the thing and they can comment to me directly instead of posting a comment as would usually be their method of communication. Based on the silent stares and hurt looks that I have been receiving all day, I think I have only scratched the surface of my usual attacking method, and the fact that we only covered 6-10 yesterday does not portend well for the potential victims out there. Comments that were received were extremely vanilla, and my belief is that I might have been a little too kind in my observations. My hope is that by the end of this trip, I have been written out of any will that exists, my siblings and significant others no longer return my phone calls and my nieces and nephews discover that all of their existing family photos suddenly have a face cut out as though "good 'ol Uncle Josh" was that x-boyfriend who ruined everybody's ski trip photo. So far, it appears that I have underperformed in this attempt as I still have throngs of these people speaking to me. If I ever want to get some peace and quiet, I probably need to take off the gloves. Unfortunately, it appears that I missed a golden opportunity yesterday, but I will do what I can to provoke whomever I can at this point. So without further ado, we move on to #s 5 to 1 in our countdown of the most significant stories of the first 60 hours of this trip.

Right now, Aaron and Kathy have left to go pick up her nieces and nephew, who will join us for the next couple of days to hopefully provide Hunter with somebody his own age to play with for the first time in the four years we have been taking these trips. Most everybody else is in the room talking about some sort of nonsense--it is only a matter of time before it erupts into a full-fledged argument about tapioca pudding or something at least as significant. One can never be sure what will ignite the battle, but the longer they talk the more assuredly the wick will be lit and the explosion will ensue. Dad is out on the patio, so we might have about 30 minutes until he strolls in and intrudes on whatever conversation doesn't really involve him. If it makes it that long with Shari, Mom and Rebecca sitting in the same room, I will be shocked, but once he enters the fray, you can pretty much count on some sort of pointless and loud screaming match. I promise I will interrupt whatever I am talking about when it happens. Kim is hiding in a book right next to me, pretending not to hear the fun that is about to break loose around her. She knows its coming too, but she just lets it happen. Right now the conversation is about breast feeding--fortunately, nobody in the room is doing that right now, but goodness knows this could be the take off point.

5. Cranky Son Of a Bitch Of the Day(CSOBOD): I would really like to go retro on this category, because in general you never know who is going to be the one who wins this category. Hell, by the time I arrived on Saturday, I was certainly a strong nominee if not the outright winner. But it would be pretty unfair to run this award until we were actually all in the house together. Shockingly, we had a repeat winner for the first two full days of action, so I am able to condense this section into one full bodied attack instead of having a great opportunity to shred two members of the family and thus limit my interaction to 6 other adults instead of the 8 I started with this week. Unfortunately, Grampa G has consistently distanced himself from the competition for the first two days of the trip and thus, I can only alienate him at this time. Congratulations, you are the runaway winner of the prestigious CSOBOD for Sunday July 15th and Monday July 16th. In fact, with your performance, you have actually been nominated by an unnamed member of the family for an entirely different category that I had the chance to write about many, many moons ago when I actually kept up with this blog. Please see Someday I'll be Crotchety Too for those of you who haven't had the chance to read about the contemporaries my father now finds himself amongst.

Sorry to interrupt, but right now Shari and Rebecca are arguing about the time Rebecca lost her virginity and Shari called her a whore--very nice topic. This should be the moment that starts the fireworks--good times, good times all. Back to Dad's prestigious awards.

For whatever reason, Dad has entered this week with the passion to take this honor by storm. Nobody else has come even close. In fact, disappointingly enough for my posting's sake, most everybody has been relatively well behaved. I don't even know what to make of it. I'm not saying that they aren't providing quite a bit of future comedy for all of us to enjoy, but they have all come here with pretty damn good attitudes. Perhaps that is why Dad stands out so much this year. I'm not sure if he forgot his medication or if he forgot that I promised I would end up ripping on anybody who deserved it when I introduced this trip to the world last week, but for whatever reason, he has been a fountain of bitchiness that more than makes up for everybody else who decided to come on this trip. We have had the typical complaints about the food and waste and noise and we have been inundated with the impatience and need to involve himself in everybody's business at all times until it becomes apparent that he would need to inconvenience himself in some way. We have enjoyed the never ending and nonsensical babbling and commentary about everything from how great it is to watch the cousins together (this means Lauren and Leynie) to inquiring about every recipe Dan and I made on Sunday, after he spent 45 minutes bitching about how much money we spent for the food in the first place.

The thing that puts it over the top for Grampa G on the first two days of the trip is his unyielding urge to frustrate everybody at the same time. It is pretty damn impressive to watch a man with such a skill set. He used to be a pretty damn good Doctor, and lord knows he will tell you how great a bridge player he has become in his retirement, but there is no doubt in my mind that as he continues to age, he is entering a world of Crankiness that few have entered and he has a real chance to enter the pantheon of all time pain in the asses. He has always struggled with large gatherings because of his need to be the center of attention and involve himself with everybody and everything. So far, he hasn't been murdered in his sleep, and I base this on incredible restraint by all members of our party. I can completely see a scenario where everybody in the house beats him with a bar of soap wrapped in a towel like they did to Gomer Pyle in Full Metal Jacket if he keeps this up.

In his defense, he has been really well behaved today. Maybe he just needed a couple of days to get over the immense pressures of packing a suitcase and travelling all the way to Maine. I know that they have a couple of days planned in New Hampshire after this trip finishes up to unwind after the exhausting week of napping, reading, walking on the beach and sitting in the Jacuzzi. All I know is that he has made it much more difficult to come up with a winner for today. Dad, I appreciate you making the first two days so simple for all of us and Congratulations on your big win. Crotchety is right around the corner.

4. The Cousins: For the past three years, we have had Hunter, Lauren and Leynie at this gathering. Lauren and Leynie are about a year apart and have become very close on these trips. Hunter, unfortunately, has been significantly older than the others and unless my data is incorrect, he remains just as much older today as he was last year. We were all hoping that they would have started to make up ground on him by this point in time, but alas they have failed miserably. As I stated earlier, we are at least going to have some company this year for Hunter to play with so he isn't stuck in that awkward in between phase for another entire summer vacation. This year, we have also been introduced to our newest niece and nephew, Luke and Emelia. We met Emelia at Thanksgiving when she was like 2 or 3 hours old. My understanding is that Kathy birthed her on the airplane out to Texas sometime just after take off because they refused to miss the annual feast. My memories about this event might be somewhat foggy, but I'm almost positive it was something along these lines. So needless to say, she has grown significantly since November. Luke on the other hand was born in February, so this has been the first time we have met him.

Both babies are really well behaved. Well, to be honest with you, I have no grasp of well behaved when it comes to children, as the crazed freak of a demon spawn that is our Lauren has skewed my perception of what the difference between tolerable behavior and great behavior. We would have taken any child that gave us at least 30 minutes per 24 hours where she wasn't screaming uncontrollably. From what I can tell, these two seem like they are actually happy. I haven't heard either of them produce the screams equal to one hour of our first year with Lauren in the entire time we have been with them, and for Emelia, that includes the five days she was with us in Texas over Thanksgiving. So from my standpoint, they are both really good babies. They smile, they play, they genuinely seem to like other people and I have actually witnessed both of them not being held for more than 20 seconds at any one time. Kim has been really enjoying having babies around, especially the non-psychotic kind. The babies you can give back have always been the best kind, so we are both relishing our roles as Aunt Kim and Uncle Josh.

Hunter seems to like his new niece and nephew as well. He has always been really good with Leynie and he has taken to the little ones very quickly. They both smile and laugh at him whenever he gives them attention, and Hunter eats it up. Leynie and Lauren continue to be into each other, but occasionally need some time apart as neither is used to having to share the stage or fight for attention. Leynie seems to mimic everything that Lauren does at this point, which is understandable because Lauren is a year older, but all in all, they are both very happy to see one another. As the years go by, it is good to see that they continue to look forward to interacting and playing together.

3. Sunday's Dinner: While many of you have been left clutching to the hope that I would actually finish the July 4th week BBQ postings, I hope that I am able to at least temporarily placate your food obsession with a description of our dinner from Sunday night. I am not sure if I have mentioned anything about the dinner deal for this year. As we have evolved this trip each year, there have been changes to how things are simplified. This year, somebody came up with the idea that we should all be responsible for dinner one night, and as such, that family would buy the groceries, put together the menu, make all the food and put everything away and clean up after the fact. Aaron and Kathy volunteered for the first night and they made a delicious pork tenderloin marinated with a teriyaki glaze. It was nice to come in the first night and not have to scramble for dinner and fight with everybody about what we were eating or where we were going, so I am pretty happy with whoever came up with this idea. I am guessing that there will be at least three of my siblings who lay claim to the idea, but I for one am certain it wasn't me.

With Dan coming to town, I decided that we would take care of the Sunday night dinner plans. I had no idea what we were going to make, other than I was insistent we include lobster somewhere in the menu. I wasn't about to travel all the way to Maine and not have lobster on the night I was cooking. I mean when you think of Maine, what pops into your mind? Probably not lighthouses, or really cold, or Shawshank Redemption or Vacationland as the license plate would suggest. When you think of Maine, you think of those majestic 1 1/4 lb red beauties steamed, stuffed or turned into bisque. I wasn't going to miss my opportunity to create a feast that involved the grandest of all crustaceans.

If anybody needs any background regarding Dan and my love of food and wine, suffice it to say that we have destroyed many a budget, overextended many a credit card and beat the crap out of many an expense account in the name of culinary delight. Often times it could be as simple as going out for dinner and buying a couple of dry aged steaks and polishing off a couple of bottles of Mondavi Private Reserve Cabernet or Opus One. But lately, our affinity for fine food has turned into an expression of our culinary talents and the creation of a thoroughly overwhelming gastronomic ensemble. Between the two of us, we put together a skeleton of a menu that is constantly in a state of flux and while we go through a couple of variations, Dan determines the wine pairings for each course. I love wine, but I have one tenth the acumen that Dan possesses in this regard. He has an absolute obsession with the fruit of the vine and relishes any opportunity to introduce others to his passion. So, even though I am confident I can put together wonderful wine selections for each course, I leave that area completely up to Dan.

With the cooking and menu selection, we act as co-chefs. I wouldn't dare call him a sous chef, as depending upon the meal, he may take the lion's share of the tasks and on other occasions, he may be creating one course and I end up taking care of three or four. On this occasion, we divied up the responsibilities pretty evenly. Dan didn't arrive until almost 2:30 on Sunday, so we left almost immediately to go up to Portland to shop. We decided upon the menu as we strolled the aisles of Wild Oats and Hanneford's and decided we would rely on some items that we had prepared in the past as well as create a new main course. The main reason we chose to rehash old menu ideas was really a simple necessity due to the lack of time we left ourselves with because of our late start. Hunter was our assistant shopper and Saucier.

Our menu turned out to be four courses plus a fruit, cheese and meat platter to enjoy while we finished preparing the dinner. We kept the platter as simple as possible and went with a sharp white cheddar, aged brie, garlic boursin, a spicy Hungarian salami, two kind of pears, grapes and crackers. Dan introduced the platter with a buttery Chardonnay that we had been using for a couple of the sauces we had made. While everybody ate this, we put the finishing touches on and sampled our crab cakes. We had prepared the crab cakes before for a dinner with Christine and Alex in Dallas and we served them with a mildly spicy roasted red pepper sauce. This was paired with a light Pinot Gris which allowed the spicy characteristics of the red pepper and cayenne to really open up.

Dan and I were pretty much trapped in the kitchen throughout the meal, as we were trying to get each course completed, plated and out to the main dining room in a well orchestrated and timed manner. This was not the worst fate for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, we were able to sample everything first and get first crack on all the wine. Secondly, we didn't get trapped in a room with Grampa G, who still at this point in the week was raging on about how much we spent on this bleeping meal. Avoiding him was probably a good thing. Thirdly, we got to hang out in by far the coolest room in the house. When they updated the kitchen, they did it right. They installed a Thermador double oven and six burner stove with heat lamps in the hood, a Viking wine cooler and a Sub Zero Refrigerator/Freezer combo. Everything worked great. While we were limited by the amount of silverware, plate ware and glassware (so much so, that we were forced to wash dishes after each course in order to serve the next one), the kitchen more than made up for the shortcomings of the accessories.

Our second course was the salad and again we stole a previously successful salad. Quite honestly, Dan and I had gotten confused between a couple of the salads we had produced for our recent meals, so we ended up with Mesculin salad mix, red onion, and Mandarin oranges tossed in a raspberry lime vinaigrette, and topped with a pecan crusted warm goat cheese medallion. For the wine, Dan paired it with a choice of a slightly more oaky Chardonnay for the white wine lovers and a light Pinot Noir for the red wine enthusiasts. I chose the red, and to be honest, I probably should have gone with the white, because the goat cheese overpowered the soft Pinot. Once I finished the salad, I did enjoy the glass of red.

We cleared the salads and moved to the main course, which was actually two main courses. Aaron and Kathy do not eat beef of any kind. They have been banned from Texas once the authorities got wind of it, but there is just no shaking them of this sickness. Because we didn't want to cause any kind of uproar, we provided them with a Wasabi crusted Tuna steak flash grilled and served with garlic mashed potatoes and sugar snap peas. Our main course, the Piece de Resistance, was a full tenderloin of beef that we stuffed with lobster meat and topped with bacon to infuse the flavor. We topped it with a white wine lobster sauce and also served it with the accompaniments that we provided for the Tuna. We were willing to make an alternative entree, but we drew the line when it came to side items. Dan chose a full bodied Malbec and another Cabernet for the beef and he continued to offer chardonnay to those who were dining on tuna.

We polished off the wine and the entrees and proceeded to the dessert phase of the night. Kim made individual chocolate bundt cakes topped with homemade whipped cream and fresh raspberries. She wanted a raspberry sauce to tie it together, but I completely whiffed on that request when we went to the store. All in all, I think that everybody was pretty happy with how the dinner turned out. Sure we shelled out $2600 of Gramma G's hard earned cash, but I think even she would agree that it was well worth it.

2. Anybody know a good Exorcist?: I've got to tell you, this is not my area of expertise, but more and more I am becoming convinced that the sweet, charming, not quite as clever as some but pretty darn clever in her own right, and beautiful daughter of mine is unequivocally possessed by some sort of demon. I don't know what the true warning signs are, but as the days and weeks and months roll by, the evidence just seems to pile up in ways that are beyond circumstantial. As more signs point to her having some sort of evil being sharing her body, I find myself going back in my mind to the earlier days of her life. Let's face it, something was wrong with that child that goes beyond what doctors called "colic" for a full 16 months. I still don't really know what the hell colic is other than it is what pediatricians come up with when they've got nothing else to offer you when your evil twisted child refuses to stop screaming at the top of her lungs for more than 10 minutes at any one time for a year and a half (including the times she is allegedly sleeping).

I think it is more than a coincidence that strange utterances keep making there way out of her mouth. This week has been no different. It started with Lauren rolling an ottoman around the second level of the house babbling that she was driving her "car" to Murder Road. I don't know where exactly Murder Road is, or more importantly what Murder Road is, but I cannot imagine what would put an idea in her head that this place existed and that it was a place she should find herself visiting. But there she was rolling around the house, happy as a clam, singing about driving to Murder Road. If that was the only episode, I would probably just look the other way and chalk it up to allowing her to stay up with us every night and watch reruns of the Soprano's--she just thinks that Tony is so funny. But it continued on from there.

We were on our way to see some light house and a rocky area up the road a way, and out of the blue, Lauren made a rather unusual comment from the back seat, "Mom, I would rather be burned than die." I thought I must have misunderstood what she said, and Kim didn't hear her the first time, so I asked her to repeat it, and as clear as day she said again, "I would rather be burned than die." We kind of looked at each other and responded with "Um, honey. You don't have to choose one or the other. Why don't you just not get burned or die?" She thought that sounded like a pretty good idea. We drove along and about two minutes later, we drove by a graveyard and she looks at Shari and says, "That's where the dead people are."

To say we were a little creeped out might be an understatement. I mean, the kid is four. I know that kids have an unusual curiousity when it comes to death, and occasionally they will say something that seems strange, but three times in an hour, she makes really strange and morbid statements about death. I've got to tell you, something really wacky is going on here. We are definitely going to limit her to watching only regular CSI and not let her watch CSIMiami or CSINY--at least not reruns.

1. Hunter's First Lobster: The single greatest event of the first couple of days at the beach had to be the monumental accomplishment of Hunter when he took down his first lobster. Over the past year, Hunter has continually pushed the envelope on his dining and we can almost never get him to order off the kids menu anymore. While this is exciting from the standpoint that he is growing up right before our eyes, it is really getting expensive having these kids and we are trying to slow down the process as much as we can. We actually have tried to convince him to order something that we are confident he will hate so that we can later say to him that he can't order off the adult menu the next time we go out because he couldn't finish his dinner.

I should have known how excited he was when we got to the parking lot and he forgot to close the door as he smelled the steaming ocean roaches in the distance and had this faraway look in his eye babbling something about discovering heaven. When Kim asked him to close the door, he just kept his eyes focused on the prize and said, "Heaven doesn't have doors." and kept on walking. Well on Monday evening, our oldest child walked over to the Lobster Shack, convinced Gramma G that they should split the two lobster dinner and between sips of his Mountain Dew and bites of french fries, he dipped claw and tail like a champ and devoured every scrap of that 1 1/2 lb son of a bitch. He sobbed silently when it showed up and immediately took to the task at hand. You could tell he was serious from the outset when he ignored the overflowing basket of french fries and declined the offering of onion rings in order to devote all his attention to that beast. It was a little hot at first for him, and the spiky legs and body made it difficult for him to break the shell and expose the treasure hidden within, but he stayed the course and allowed me to help him get to the goodies. When he found a claw he could crack, he made sure to handle it himself. I split the tail for him and thought back to the hundreds of lobsters I cracked and separated for the clambakes at the Newport Marriott when I was working in catering back in '99. He didn't stop to breathe. He did pause long enough to make dozens of happy sounds. When he finished the tail and the claws, he backtracked every square inch of his prey. He pulled the little side legs off and sucked them like they were straws filled with manna from the gods. I don't know how much meat he could have found for the last 20 minutes that he pilfered that baby, but he sure loved the search. Gramma G made the clean plate club as well, but I am quite certain that we have absolutely no chance of ever getting our oldest son back on the kids menu. Sometimes you just can't stop progress, no matter what the cost.