Finally, We're Done with that Parenting Nonsense

First, let me apologize. Yesterday was one of those challenging days where I had every intention of putting one of these brilliant postings together for all of your perusal. After all, Monday night, Florida State somehow managed to utilize the most inept of all offensive performances for the second year in a row to upend Miami at the Orange Bowl. They rushed for one yard (on 25 carries, by the way--something like .04 yards per carry) and still beat those evil ne'er do wells from North Cuba. I had my chance to write about this and absorb the abuse of my mother and her battalion of anti-sports postings hecklers, but I could not find the time to sit down yesterday to write about anything. So I am afraid that ship has sailed and our first sports posting of the season will have to wait another day or two. The NFL kicks off tomorrow night--oh sweet bliss. Life finally has meaning again.
The main reason that I was unable to find time yesterday was that we suddenly had a new errand to run in the morning before work. Now that I don't have to go to work until 10AM at the earliest every day, I have time after we get Hunter off to school to sit down for an hour or so and babble to the two of you who still check this site once in a while.--thanks by the way. I just need to make it a part of my routine. Well, I chose a piss-poor time to start a routine, because yesterday, after months of trying to find a preschool/montessori/mother's day out program that would provide Lauren with the proper learning environment, we got to pack her little butt up with a back pack and a lunch box and ship her off to do some of that learnin' that is all the rage. So, needless to say, this ruined our morning routine and as such, killed any chance I had to write yesterday. Sure, I could have come home after my shift last night and sat down and wrote something for you, but those pesky neighbors came over to sit out front and consume a few adult beverages, and it would have been just plain rude of me to be upstairs pecking away on the computer, leaving poor Kim to entertain them by herself. So alas, I have failed you all. But this Lauren at school thing seems to be somewhat worthwhile.
I remember Hunter's first day of Kindergarten. Lauren hadn't been born yet and based on Kim's reaction, you would have thought that we had discovered that our only son had been kidnapped by the Russian Mafia who were cutting off body parts before they sold him into a white slavery ring. She was just devastated, crying uncontrollably--you know real tears streaming down her face and just a distraught sense of failure as a parent for some reason. I attributed this reaction mostly to the fact that she was 7 months pregnant at the time and by almost any definition, legally insane due to the hormonal imbalance and her large girth. (You can't say girth about a pregnant woman at the time of their pregnancy and certainly can't say girth with the word large preceding it, but it's been four years, so I am taking some liberties. I probably sleep on the couch tonight either way, but I'll let you know how it turns out--suffice it to say at seven months, she was no longer svelte) We did our best to console her. DJ and his wife at the time came by and took us out to breakfast at Cracker Barrel and we went over to the outlet stores to try to find some maternity clothes to take Kim's mind off the abandonment of our only child, but it was no use. That entire day was wasted with emotional expenditure.
Again, based on the hormonal thing, I let it go. I tried my best to mask my excitement in the fact that our son was growing up. I thought it was awesome that he started school. It is one of those watershed moments in a child's life that leads to the next major event--puberty I suppose, and to me that is exciting and fun to watch. We'll always remember that day.
For those of you who don't know Lauren all that well, let's just say that she is what some might refer to as a "Spirited Child." In layman's terms this means that she is always in your face, needy, demanding, the center of attention at all times, always right, argumentative and clinically psychotic. God love her, but she can be somewhat trying at times. In her defense, she is unbelievably funny and ridiculously cute, which enables her to get away with those other (somewhat annoying) behavioral traits. So when we finally found somebody who was willing to give Lauren some of that schoolin' a couple of days a week, I was pretty freaking excited. Sure, it was only to be two days a week for about 5 1/2 hours a day, but you gotta start somewhere.
They call these things "Mother's Days Out," but in all reality it just means that it is a part-time preschool. She goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays instead of five days a week. Otherwise, they have the same type of curriculum as your run of the mill preschool and it enables the child to ease her way into a classroom environment. Kim has been very particular about where we were willing to send Lauren, and we both agreed that this was a perfect environment for her needs. So yesterday morning at 8:30, we made our way to the local Methodist church here in N. Frisco and registered our precious Missy-moo into her first school.
She was predictably shy and clingy when we got there, made our way to her classroom and met her teacher, Ms. Shannon. She had about 20 minutes of the classroom to herself to get comfortable before any of the other kids arrived. Kim snapped a couple of those obligatory first day of school photos and Lauren slowly began to separate herself from Kim's thigh to play with some puzzle pieces and play-dough. After the first classmate arrived, we started to make our way out of the room and before you knew it, we were out the door without any tears (from Kim or Lauren). This just confirmed my earlier suspicions that the whole Hunter episode was completely hormonal. As we drove back toward home, I felt that now was as good a time as any to ask Kim how she was holding up--you know, be supportive and make sure she knew I was there for her. In my mind, we had just completed a brilliant coup--some poor unsuspecting sap had just agreed to take that raving lunatic child of ours for 11 glorious hours a week. What could be better than that? I just assumed that Kim was equally excited and as soon as her feet hit our driveway, she would do some sort of victory dance or a cartwheel or perhaps just strip down to her skivvies and run around the neighborhood screaming wildly like Shari in Sedona chasing Kaylee. Imagine my surprise and bewilderment when I looked over to her after asking how she was doing and those freaking tears were streaming down her face uncontrollably again. I just don't get it--I mean, Hunter was at least a sweet kid, that made sense, but getting Lauren out of the house for a few hours a couple of days a week. Save those tears for when the Bucs lose a heartbreaker to the Panthers in week three. The only thing I could think was that they were those tears of joy that you hear so much about, but such was not the case--damn those emotional women. I did my best to mask my enthusiasm, but it was obvious that this was another one of those times where we had conflicting reactions to the same event.
Now as to Lauren's day at school, we set the under/over at 10:42 AM that we would get the call from the school to pick up our daughter and never bring her back. She is somewhat strong willed and I believe she might have some sharing issues that she has yet to resolve. It was just a matter of time. When I spoke to Kim at noon, however, she was still at school and we hadn't heard anything yet. No news is good news I suppose and so what if it cost me $100 with the local bookie. Missing the under in this case was probably a good thing. I talked to Kim a little later and still hadn't heard anything. Maybe this school thing was going to work out after all. Change her environment a little bit, get her around some kids her own age, provide her with a structured classroom, who knows? It sounds so crazy it just might work. Fifteen minutes later, my cell phone rings and it's Kim on her way to the school to pick up the hysterical and uncontrollably screaming hell child that the teacher has been spending an hour trying to calm down and console. So much for that environment stuff.
It turns out that "nap time" is not exactly the kind of thing that Lauren is into. She hasn't taken a nap for two and a half years and believe me we have tried. I guess that isn't true because on Monday she actually passed out two feet outside the door to her room face down in the carpet after she had to sit in her room for ten minutes for not listening. Since she wasn't in her bed and hadn't actually attempted to take a nap, I don't know if this qualifies as anything other than pure exhaustion, but unless I was drop dead drunk, I can't recall falling asleep face first on the floor while trying to exit my bedroom in many years. But to Lauren, naptime is for babies. She is no baby and she does not take naps. When they dimmed the lights and the kids laid down for "quiet time," Lauren was not going to be duped. Instead she started screaming and aparently didn't stop screaming until about five minutes before Kim came to pick her up.
Now here's where the odd thing happened. There were only two scenarios that made sense to me at this point. Scenario A--Kim goes to the office where the administrator hands back our check, shoves Lauren out the door and puts up photos of both Kim and Lauren on the front door to the building to let everybody know that we are no longer welcome within 500 yards of this facility. This seemed reasonable and fair to me. Scenario B--They feel badly that she got so upset, apologize but Lauren absolutely refuses to go back to school ever again. The trauma of nap time would never be overcome and we would end up homeschooling our child through the college years. Either way, we were screwed.
Somehow, however, they are okay with us bringing her back on Thursday. They are going to try a different strategy during quiet time with her and we are going to get her a special nap mat--whatever the hell that might be. Even more strange is how excited Lauren was about going back on Thursday. She had a great time and couldn't stop babbling about all the cool stuff they did, games they played, puzzles they worked on, letters they learned--all that stuff. She even liked going to chapel the best, so this might work out after all. Either way, we have successfully raised another child. Our work here is done and I couldn't be happier.