Scaahhbura Part I

Trying to find some time where I can get away from all the people I intend to prattle on about for an entire thread is extremely difficult when, for all intents and purposes, I am trapped under the same roof with each of these insane individuals. I never really know when somebody is going to be standing directly behind me, with the faintest of hopes that they might catch a mere glimpse, or even a morsel of the shredding that is certain to follow. At this very minute, I can hear the mindless droning of Grampa G on the cell phone to Gramma G who is at the store with Rebecca. He is about to raise his voice in rage and frustration as she doesn't grasp the concept of what kind of mayonnaise she should bring. Probably because there is a better than average chance that there might be a thimble full of leftover condiment upon our departure and the thought of anything food related being left behind and thus wasted for eternity. The idea that we actually might end up not utilizing every last grain of garlic salt is the greatest stress in his life at this point. While that might be a good thing that he has nothing more pressing to deal with, the fact that he would allow such minutia to continue to infiltrate his thought processes on a daily basis cannot be good for anybody's health.

So while I will try to get to as much as I can to catch everybody up, I am somewhat limited in how much time I can utilize to put all the details of the last 60 hours here in beautiful Maine. So without the usual vitriol and foreshadowing that usually accompanies the introductions that so many of you have become accustomed, I will proceed to our main event. In order to make sure I don't miss anything catastrophic that has occurred up to this point, I am going to everybody's favorite format and will only talk about the top ten things that have occurred up to now. As always, these are in ascending order of importance, and are not based on any kind of chronology.

10. Wii: About three months ago, we got a Wii. We were very fortunate that our brother in law in Guam was able to locate one, because the challenges here on the mainland to track one of these computerized Crack machines is immeasurable. Kim had tried her best to find out where a shipment of one of Nintendo's little monsters was going to show up and then camp out for 72 hours in the icy Texas night, just on the off chance that her only son might be able to show his face in public at some point in the future, but it was of no use. Her attempts, though valiant, turned out to be a colossal failure along the lines of The USFL or at least as bad as those freaking stairs for my scale model house at Georgia Tech in January of '88--damn balsa wood. So instead of just crying herself to sleep at night one more evening, Kim decided to call Stevie in Guam and see if he could get in line ahead of those families of 45 from India that seemed to camp themselves out in front of every Toys R Us in the metroplex. It is amazing that they need so many game systems, but every week, they are back to buy up the whole lot--thank goodness they are helping keep Nintendo in business. For some reason, the only game systems we could find here in Texas were on E-Bay and cost at least double the price. I know those poor Indians at Toys r Us are thankful they could all have a dozen to use just in case one of theirs ended up malfunctioning and they needed to ship it back to Seattle for repairs. From what I understand, there are far fewer folks from India hanging out on Air Force Bases in Guam, so we thought we might have a shot at getting one that way.

Turns out that Stevie came through for us big time and shipped one out to us. For those of you who are not savvy enough to understand the Wii and all its glory, let me assure you that it is worth all the hype. Most gaming systems are decidedly geared toward one segment of the populace or another. The Wii is hands down the best unit for family entertainment. As a firmly entrenched member of the family entertainment camp, it is the perfect system for us. It is just as much fun for me as it is for Hunter and Lauren absolutely loves playing the game. What separates the Wii from other systems is that the controls actually mimic your own motions. Instead of pushing buttons and manipulating joysticks or some facsimile thereof, with the Wii what you do standing in front of the TV is what your character does on the TV. In the games that come with the unit, for example, in order to hit the ball with a tennis racket, you swing the remote control with the motion of a tennis racket. If you swing early, you miss, if you swing late, you miss. If you use topspin or backspin or hit it to a certain spot on the court, the ball follows your intent. It is pretty amazing and really fun.

We decided that it would be a great idea to bring the Wii this week, because everybody we know who has tried it, has been hooked. The great thing about it is that when you finish playing, you feel like you have gotten a workout--especially with the boxing game or the tennis game. Many a night, Alex and I have worked ourselves into a lather playing a vicious tennis match against one another (he's really freaking good by the way). So far this week, the Wii has been a monumental success. Uncle John and Aunt Shari have been playing for hours on end. We even got Gramma G to give it a try until she got pissed off because she couldn't see the ball. In her defense, the big screen TV we hooked it up to has an absolutely abysmal picture, and it is really hard to see, but come on. She had lasik a couple of years back--I'm pretty sure she can see the ball as well as we can, but once that Gramma G gets something into her head, she is pretty hard to convince otherwise. She'd rather slather on some SPF 400 and hide beneath the brim of her enormous floppy hat--there's just no helping those who won't step outside their comfort zone. Hunter is angry that John is able to beat him in almost every game that he took months honing his skills. He even hit a homerun in baseball out of the stadium (something that we didn't even know was possible). We were all very impressed. For now, I still am able to hold my own, but if John and Rebecca have another all night session, I might have to put in a couple of hours to keep up. Dan just got a Wii of his own three days ago and he and Danielle were both bitching about how sore their arms were from boxing all day. While I would never recommend video games as a great option for family entertainment, especially on vacation, this time I am pretty happy with how well it has turned out. The only thing we need to do for next year is bring more controllers. We have three this year, and there almost always seems to be a wait for a game. At least we have a pool table to kill time while we wait.

Holy Crap--Grampa G is actually down there right now trying the thing for the first time. If we can suck him into a video game, I can only imagine the power of this machine. For those of you out there unaware of his stance on TV, video games and the like, this is huge. This would be like Al Gore getting a Hummer H2 or George Bush looking into Haliburton for possibly questionable business dealings. All I can say is wow (and more importantly, thank God I am not the one having to take him through the intricacies of the Wii and all its splendor--John is taking one for the team, and I just can't wait to watch him later and rollick in the fun).

9. Travel Challenges: Whenever you travel with Shari, you should prepare yourself for the incredible nightmare that ensues. I don't know what she did to the travel gods at some point in her life, but I have had the chance to travel with her on numerous occasions, and inevitably something goes horrifically wrong. You can almost take for granted that you are going to be delayed, that your luggage will be lost and that somebody might end up missing the car rental shuttle. It just happens every time. When she travels alone, it is amplified exponentially. This time, having us on board to ensure she had somebody to share the misery with her somehow mitigates her suffering. I don't really understand how it all shakes down, but if there is anybody out there considering a Trans-Pacific trip that will be on the same plane as Shari, let me point out in no uncertain terms that you have been fairly warned. That being said, we actually planned our trip to Maine (knowing all of this information well in advance) and included Shari as a travelling companion on both legs of the journey. We sometimes aren't really smart.

Fortunately, there were five of us travelling, so her pain could only inflict so much of its venom. Sure we found ourselves on the back two rows of the McDonnell-Douglas S-80 with the ever so gentle whirring of an unabated jet engine being occasionally drowned out by the 400 decibel speaker above our heads. We were treated to some of the finest display of customer service known to mankind by our crack team of flight attendants. It was entirely my mistake to ask her for a place to dispose of our empty cups while she was reading a current copy of US Weekly--it was after all the first issue to cover all the excitement of the Tony Parker/Eva Longoria wedding, and for my money, there just isn't ample time to catch up on all the excitement that comprised that day. We were only about 45 minutes late into Logan International, and our luggage only took about an hour to come off the baggage claim. We actually only had to run across three lanes of oncoming Boston traffic to catch the Avis bus before he unceremoniously pulled away, and we were merely trapped in line at Avis for a scant 20 minutes until we came to the counter and waited an additional 20 minutes for them to track down a booster seat for Lauren. We only got lost one time getting out of Boston on our way up the coast, and it only took three temper tantrums by yours truly to get us back on the right route. All in all, not a bad trip when you consider that we scoffed at the travel gods. The next time I book a flight that includes Shari flying on the same airline that day (or really any of their partner airlines), I have only myself to blame.

It didn't help anything either that Jill (my GPS) has suddenly decided that she really relishes taking the scenic route everywhere. I don't know what setting I put it on, but while she always ends up getting me there, she no longer believes in the highway system of this great land of ours. I probably shouldn't have been playing Rainman in the portable DVD player at the same time I had her hooked up. It wasn't very efficient for Charlie and Ray in that epic, but Jill has got some cockamamie bug up her ass that causes her to send me all over God's green earth on my way to a destination two blocks away. She and I are going to have a long talk before we strap her back up to the cigarette lighter and traverse this great land of ours again. Either way, we made it to our destination in one piece, the kids were extremely well behaved for the entire trip and we didn't have one flat tire. All in all, on a trip with Aunt Shari, nobody here is complaining.

8. Driftwood for Alex: Nothing like a little extra hobby while we are on our vacation. Some of you out there might not be aware of my friend Alex' gig as a proprietor of an upscale flower shop in Frisco. Let me just tell you that he does the most incredible arrangements I have seen, and believe me, I get no kickbacks for driving business his way. He has only been open a few months, but his store Skai Floral--check it out at http://www.skaifloral.com/ -- has the most consistently mind-blowing floral designs of anyone in Texas. Granted, he is a friend of mine, but I wouldn't risk the credibility of this fine publication for a deadbeat florist. If he sucked, believe me, I would tell you. Think about it--have I ever really pulled any punches on this site before? Didn't think so. So for whatever its worth--if anybody out there needs a florist in Dallas for anything, give him a call and trust me when I tell you, you will be thrilled with the results.

Now that the advertorial section of this posting is out of the way, there must be a point to mentioning Alex' flower shop in the middle of a Maine beach rant. Well, we got a call from Christine yesterday, and she mentioned to us that if we happened to come across any great driftwood, Alex would love to use some in his arrangements. New England is notorious for great driftwood washing up on shore, so we told her that we would be thrilled to try and find something he might use in an arrangement sometime.

While I am no expert in driftwood, I am becoming an expert in the best ways to manipulate my son, and that quite simply means anything involving cash for services is suddenly fair game (provided those services do not include anything of a physical nature, interrupt something that is going on while he is immersed in a video game of any kind, or doesn't sound like it is worth his time). Christine has also quickly caught onto this dynamic and she offered Hunter cash for any cool driftwood he brings back from vacation. We have spent the last two days raking the beaches of Maine for the best hunks of wood from what I can only assume are wrecked wooden pirate ships or lost cargo from a freighter carrying lumber. Either way--we only are keeping the really cool wood. I have absolutely no idea how we intend to transport 38 hunks of broken, water-logged and probably ant and termite infested branches, but when it comes to Hunter collecting some cash, I have no doubt we will find a way.

7. Pine Point Beach: I have never been to Scarborough, Maine. The closest I have been is actually not too far away, about 20 minutes south of here in Kennebunkport. Dan got married there last October, but other than that time, I can't recall ever being in Maine. I am sure that we made a trip when I was an infant, but my earliest memories (as well as my most recent unfortunately) have faded. But I am quite certain I haven't been to this beach before. When it comes to beaches in New England, there are a few things that should be abundantly obvious. First and foremost, they are going to be crowded. Much like a golf course in New England, you only have so much of a window as to when you can enjoy the beach up here. My understanding is that Summer lasts about 6 hours in this part of the world, so it seems like everybody and their brother are going to try to capitalize on a nice day when it rears its ugly head. The times I have golfed in this part of the world, the course was packed to the rafters and generally occupied by people who had no business picking up a club unless they were going to bash somebody's skull in. The beaches here have a similar challenge in that the people occupying them should probably not be hanging out with a limited array of clothing--a situation that inevitably does not correspond well with beach going. Extremely pale, overweight and downright unattractive specimens make up a large contingent of the Northeastern part of the country. This is not a shot at anyone in particular, but when you are trapped in your homes for months at a time and the only thing you are trying to protect yourself from is boredom and cold--it probably makes a lot of sense to eat to combat boredom and create a fat layer to inhibit the cold. I get this, but I don't get the need to suddenly show up in public and display this reality. Unfortunately, nobody here got that memo. When the flannel comes off and the thong goes on, we are left to witness something that no human should be exposed to.

The other thing that should be self evident to anybody coming to a beach in New England is that the water has a tendency to be a might bit chilly. I didn't bring a thermometer, and I haven't recently checked the weather channel for water temperature, but having dipped my toes, ankles, shins, knees and accidentally even my thighs in the arctic surf, I can tell you that it is on the wrong side of chilly. I actually made it up to my waist at one point as I felt my manhood go Costanza on me. Sweet mother of pearl, I don't think it is a great idea to spend too much time submerged in the frozen grips of the tide. Hunter went in up to his belly, jumping waves and being a true trooper. Lauren got up to mid-toe I believe and Kim has felt some moisture as she's walked over still not fully dried sand at low tide. I'll probably suck it up and at least fully immerse myself beneath the water once before we depart, but we are not spending the usual requisite time in the water this year.

There is quite a bit of seaweed of all shapes and color throughout the water and there are acres of area that is filled with something--I don't even know where the hell it comes from, but I swear to you, there are pea sized wood chips everywhere. I have never seen anything like it at a beach before, but you walk out twenty feet into the surf and your feet are covered with little pieces of wood. Very strange. the sand is multi colored--parts of it are silver, or grey and other parts are black. There is very soft white sand as well leading up to the dunes which are covered with wispy sea grass that extends about 150 yards from people's backyards to the shore. There is also a section of the beach which is very reflective and shiny, because of all the granite in the area mixed into the sand.

All in all, it is a very cool beach. At low tide, the shore recedes at least 100 feet and reveals a huge expanse of beach. At high tide, there is barely room for the throngs of beachgoers to set up their umbrellas away from the freezing waves and cascading seaweed and kelp. As you walk down the beach, you are struck by the typical architecture of the area and you absolutely know where you are. There is no place like it on earth--nothing quite as quaint, chaaahming, or real as New England.

6. The House: As I mentioned in #7 above, the location we have this year is absolutely exquisite, and the house is more than ample to handle our needs as a huge family trapped together in perpetuity--sorry I mean as a travelling family tethered together by unfortunate circumstances--no, that's not right either. I mean the house has plenty of space for all of us who are here to enjoy each other's company unconditionally. Are any of you out there as physically ill as I am that I had to produce the last part of that sentence? Thought so--to that end, just take from the above what you need to understand--the house is big enough.

The houses we have enjoyed the past couple of years have been significantly more modern than this year's version, and I am certain that is by design. While we have a recently updated kitchen to enjoy--more on that later when we talk about our dinner from last night--the rest of the house is remarkably unchanged in some time. It seems that most of the houses we rent on these journeys each year are designed specifically for large groups travelling together. There is quite a bit of forethought into what is important, whether it is a business gathering or, more frequently, a family gathering. To that end, there have always been multiple master suites in the houses we end up swarming. In fact, every room is oversized and has a huge bathroom attached. Usually, there are multiple rooms with jacuzzi tubs in the bathrooms and every room has a view of some kind (except for the kids rooms). There is always a media/entertainment room of some sort, and there are multiple areas for gathering inside and out--sweeping verandas, and lots of comfy furniture.

This year, we find ourselves in a somewhat dated and less formally thought out house. There are only two rooms that have their own bathrooms (both of which are located in the basement--and my guess were added after they decided to turn it into a rental property). The rooms are undersized (so much so, that there is not even room for a dresser in our bedroom with a queen sized bed). The house is filled with tile floors, so there is a great deal of echoing and it has been somewhat challenging to allow the kids to get the rest they need. The decor is comfortable, but also very dated and in dire need of a coat of paint. And the kids rooms are completely set up for girls for some reason, a point of contention for poor hunter who had to decide if he wanted his comforter on the pink and green plaid side or the tangerine polka-dot side (which was far and away the most masculine choice he could make).

But somehow it all works. The house is very comfortable and it has everything we need. The area is very convenient to Portland (about 20 minutes north), but Scarborough has everything we need. The house is equipped with every modern convenience, and even though there are at least 35 light switches that are placed in areas that make no sense or don't actually control any light, it is an absolutely beautiful home. I will say, however, that the downstairs bathroom has to have created at least 10-20 lawsuits. The downstairs has a pool table, a big screen TV, a poker table, a dart board and a full bar. They decided to build a bathroom there as well, and to get into it, you have to step up a 14 inch step. While nobody has probably killed themselves yet, I would think that putting a cliff-sized dropoff two feet from the bar may not have been the most prudent idea every put forth off the coast of Maine. Just a hunch.

All right, while I would love to sit here and type for the next four hours to finish this posting, I am going to have to stop it here. I realize that this continues to put me further behind, because the craziness keeps on going with or without my postings being completed. I don't know what is on the agenda for tomorrow, but I will get this posting done provided I haven't been incarcerated, or find myself on the lam. To that end, I would say that there is a 30-40% chance you will see a posting tomorrow. Sorry for the delay, but 5 through 1 are worth coming back for--at least a couple of them ought to be!