Chanukka, Quite Possibly the Dumbest of all Holidays

Now I don't pretend to be a religious scholar. Hell, those of you who know me well understand that I shunned all organized religion as soon as I was old enough to realize that I was able to do so without being struck by a bolt of God's wrath. So far, he has missed, but I'll keep you posted. So perhaps I may not be the one to write this posting with an unbiased tongue, but it will be much more fun this way, I assure you.
I do recognize that there are many sacred holidays in every religion, and though I may not follow any of these, I have a great respect for those who choose to do so, and I am not one to judge another based on their beliefs. In Christianity, there are many smaller holidays, but the two big ones make all the sense in the world. You have Easter and Christmas--one the celebration of Jesus being born, and one when he rose from the dead. Pretty much, the entire religion is based on these two events, and to celebrate them just stands to reason.
In Judaism, there are holidays that also make sense. Rosh Hashana--the new Year (who doesn't celebrate the New Year?) Yom Kippur--day of atonement (basically beg forgiveness for your sins or you can expect to be left out of the book of life for that year--somehow worse than getting placed on Santa's naughty list, by the way) Passover--suffer for a week because some exiled slaves couldn't take the time to ask for directions for 40 years and wandered around in a desert the size of Rhode Island. 40 years? What the hell were they doing, and did anybody ever think to let somebody else take the lead for a couple of days? Anyway, they made a movie about it, so check it out sometime, but as usual I have strayed off topic.
Hannukkah, Chanucka, Chanukha, Hannuchunackka or however the hell you spell it was what I had intended to discuss today, and discuss it I shall. For my readers who are uncertain about the actual religious importance of the holiday, let me give you the background that you need to make it make sense. Back in the day, the Israelites were not the most popular of all the cultures running around (boy that hasn't changed much has it?) and they were regularly attacked by larger, fiercer armies who didn't necessarily want them around, and they kept destroying their big temple (think of the Vatican with regard to the holiness of the place, or at least the Mormon Tabernacle) and it really made the Israelites mad. They had this thing (still do, as a matter of fact) where they have a lamp lit in the Temple (synagogue) at all times and it was called the Eternal Light. Well, one of the times that one of these angry armies destroyed the temple again, they burned all of the oil that was used to light this lamp. Somehow, the oil didn't run out in the lamp, and it stayed lit for 8 days until more oil arrived.
I will probably get my share of feedback about the accuracy of the story (Sumerians, Egyptians, Mesopotamians, Hitites or some other Biblical group who was responsible will be upset that they weren't mentioned by name), but this is the basic gist laid out before you. The candle didn't burn out for eight days. Now, I am not one to suggest that this is not relevant or equally exciting, but let's not make too much about it. If this is the highlight of your religion's success stories, maybe you want to look to find some other feel good story out there (maybe Sandy Koufax's perfect game).
How the hell did this thing ever get to be an 8 day holiday? Let's do some basic comparison. You escape slavery, spend 40 years wandering the desert and create a religion from all of the followers who suffered through it with that Rand McNally guy (I think they called him Moses in the day) and you get an 8 day holiday to mark it. Conversely, you go to Yankee Candle Company and pay for the really good oil and you make an 8 day holiday to commemorate it. Does this make sense to anybody out there? Eight days of lighting candles and spinning dreidels and getting socks all because somebody thought to lower the wick, so that the oil would burn slower. It isn't a freaking miracle--it's an excuse to create a gift-giving holiday at the same time as Christmas each year, so the Jewish kids don't riot. Don't get me wrong, if I was a kid, and everybody in the neighborhood was loading up on video games, and I didn't even get my annual supply of socks, somebody would have hell to pay.
And the people who are responsible for marketing this thing, really need to look at some better techniques. Christmas is everywhere. They got that Santa guy--he's a magnet for attention--red outfit, sleigh bells, reindeer, elves--these are marketable devices with cache. Christmas Tree--Brilliant, colorful, energetic full of fun. House Decorations--tacky, yet lovable. Chrismas cookies and Chocolates, Candy canes and Giant Spiral Hams. This thing just sells itself. Chanukkah--a nine hole candleabria, milk chocolate coins, potato latkes (if you name your celebratory food after an Andy Kaufman character from Taxi, there are more problems than I can resolve in one posting) and a song about a four sided spinning top.
Am I wrong here? At least put in the effort--market to your strengths. I remember as a kid when I used to have to tell people about this silly holiday at school and explain it all to them. They were just amazed that we got "an 8 day Christmas" instead of the one day thing. Somebody out there needs to recognize that there is real value in pushing that issue. As a kid, I thought, yeah--we have to spread one day's worth of gifts over 8 days, and while you guys have already burned out the brake on your Green Machine from skidding so much for the last week, we are up to day three of opening up a crappy book from Uncle Moishe. If somebody could just realize that Channukahh could provide 8 times the bang for the buck, you might find more people buying into this travesty of a holiday.
Until then, there will be more defections, more disenfrancised would be desert wanderers and more kids looking out their windows each night to see the tacky lights from the neighbor's house wondering "what if."
Yehoshua