The Imaginary Mateys

For those of you not familiar with my daughter Lauren, I suppose now is as good a time as any to fill you in on the twisted spawn that Kim and I have created. Most the time, she is a very sweet three year old (the part she gets from Kim). Other times she is a menace to society (as most three year olds can be), which she gets from me.
But most of all, she is funny as hell. Any of you who have been around her can attest to that. I am her father, so naturally I am biased, but she just does things that leave you shaking your head. She asks innocent enough questions that any three year old might ask, "Mommy, how come we have two thumbs?"
Kim would respond, "Well Lauren, without thumbs, we couldn't pick anything up."
"Why else?"
"Well, thumbs help us do things, like cooking and working in the yard, and all kinds of things."
"No."
"What do you mean no?"
"That's not what thumbs are for, mommy."
"Well, Missy what are they for?"
And with a knowing smile and two thumbs firmly extended from her little fists and shoved right into Kim's face she replied, "Without thumbs, we couldn't do a Double Rock-On."
That's my girl.
Lauren lives to torment her older brother (mostly when he won't pay attention to her). She needs to be with him whenever possible, usually when he needs his space the most. If he is doing his homework, she makes us get her paper and crayons, so that she can do her homework too. If Hunter is on the computer, she has to get another chair pulled up "right benext" to him so she can watch every point, click and keystroke. If Hunter is watching a show, she throws a fit until he agrees to put on her shows so they can watch together. As all little brothers and sisters do, she loves to pick a fight, and in her short time on this planet, she has learned what drives Hunter up the wall and presses him until he snaps. Realize of course that this is a two way street, and just as often, he starts the confrontation, but she lives to be involved in any way with her Bubbie.
She also has a freckle on her right hand that she affectionately refers to as "Chuck." That's right, she named her freckle. Now, she has other freckles, but only one has a name, and only one has the ability to do all of the misdeeds that might otherwise be blamed on Lauren.
"Lauren, did you give that hotdog to Abby?
"No."
"Did you eat it?"
"I'm full."
"O.K. that's fine, but where did your hotdog go?"
"Abby ate it."
"I thought you didn't give it to Abby."
"I didn't. Chuck did."
"Your freckle?"
"Yep--I told him not to, but he said that Abby was soooo hungry, so he gave her the hotdog and the rest of my chips."
"Lauren Elizabeth--I told you not to feed that dog. She can't have any people food."
"I know. I told Chuck not to, but he wouldn't listen. He says sorry and sorry is a good word, right Kim?" (we love it when she calls us by our first names--She can't quite pronounce Josh, so it comes out Dothsh followed by hysterical laughter).
"Well, neither you or Chuck will be allowed to eat with Abby in the same room if you keep feeding her people food."
And as we do our best to maintain a straight face and remain serious, she gets two inches from Kim's face and holds her cheeks with both hands and says, "Chuck is sorry. Are you happy now, Kim?"
You want to strangle her, but the authorites might have something to say about that--even if you tried to blame it on Chuck. I think its great that she is developing an active imagination. Aside from Chuck, though, she really hasn't had any imaginary friends until yesterday, when the Mateys arrived. Just out of the blue, Lauren walked into the kitchen to introduce Kim to her two matey's who were little but big. These are aparently her two new imaginary pirate friends, who she calls her mateys. We were relieved, as I am sure each of you are to find out that they didn't fall into the toilet when she went potty.
Like all imaginary friends, the Mateys only talk to Lauren, but can hear us talking to them. It is a very convenient way of working. I don't remember my imaginary friends from my childhood, though I am sure I had a few, and I am quite certain that none of them had any kind of pirate affiliation. I do recall that one of my good friends and former roommates, John B. told me that he had an entire imaginary gang, and the saddest part was that when they voted who would be president of their club, he lost. It would be hard for me to envision a similar fate bestowed upon Lauren--at three, she pretty much runs everything in her world and most of the things in ours. If she can just figure out a way to get control of that renegade freckle, she'll have it all figured out.
Dothsh