Editorial Retraction

I am not really sure what happened over the past week or so. I have been mired in the absolute insanity of five children living under one roof, and I am certain that my once sound judgment has been somewhat obscured by the constant screaming, fighting, chasing, whining, tattling, complaining, laughing, shouting, running, eating, staring and general acting like a kiding. To say that I have been shellshocked would be an unfair understatement along the level of DJ was slightly pleased when the Steelers won last Sunday. Writing has been an impossibility until yesterday when in the distance I could barely make out the Dakota lugging Uncle Khris' motorcycle behind it and the five of them made their way back to California. I believe that they are staying the night in Anaheim and going to Knotts Berry Farm today, but we have probably seen the last of them for the immediate future.
We knew what we were getting into, and Kim handled it like a trooper. I had the good fortune of working most of the week, so she had the brunt of the daily grind. As I wrote in an earlier post Severe Torture Test, our expectation for this week was to experience the kind of hell that our friends in New Orleans are just now trying to get beyond. To be fair, the kids were just being kids. They acted exactly as a nine year old girl, an eight year old boy, a seven year old boy, a three year old girl and a six month old girl would act when they were trapped in a 1600 square foot house and were interacting with one another. The physical and mental strain that this combination causes those who are exposed to it, however, can not possibly be accurately quantified. Suffice it to say, we are thrilled to have our house back. Looking back at the Severe Torture Test posting I realize that there was an additional component that we feared more than even the kids and that was the impending visit from Grampa G.
Somehow--and I am going to get to the bottom of this because there is nothing I hate worse than being wrong about such things--the guy who flew in from Tampa last Thursday night, was not the same person I described in my previous post (or honestly, from any of my previous posts). This Grampa G who showed up was actually (dare I say) pleasant. He was great with the kids (not just Hunter and Lauren, but all five of the little freaks), was courteous, fun to be around, immensely entertaining, understanding, didn't complain about anything, didn't once mention a calendar, utilized only about 1/4 of his usual nap quotient, and if I am not mistaken, he actually had a good time being here. Even when he came to see me at work, he was gracious, polite and dressed as if he belonged in the place (no small feat). He took the three older trolls to the movies and the three of them acted as if they had never been to a movie, never been around an adult, never had to follow any directions, didn't have to observe any of the rules that they live by daily in their homes and he still managed not to leave any of them buried under a concession stand--more than I would expect of myself or Kim. He even let them watch the entire movie with their deplorable behavior. Now, he dropped them back at the house afterward and was noticably shaken by the experience, but he managed not to take it out on the kids or Kim. And even more amazingly, he let it go. The next couple of days, he didn't broach the topic and continued to play with and enjoy the kids company. Grampa G not holding a grudge? I couldn't believe it either, but mine eyes have seen the light.
Kim, who was dreading dealing with his abuse for the past month was actually sorry to see him leave (I am not making this up). It was far and away the best visit we have had with the crazy old bastard, and the circumstances couldn't have been more challenging for him. As long as we kept him fed, he was completely enjoyable to have around and I believe that I owe him an apology for my previous posting. Usually, I will try to hide these retractions deep in page 13 at the bottom of the Metro section of some obscure publication, but until I find a periodical who is willing to publish my rhetoric, I have to put this sort of thing front and center for all to experience.
There can only be a couple of reasonable explanations for his modified behavior, and as I said earlier, I will get to the bottom of this:

1. The guy who visited was actually a stunt double--let's face it, there is no way that Grampa G (at least the guy I have known for the last 36 plus years) could pull off a change in personality to such an outrageous degree. He got out of medicine so he wouldn't have to be around obnoxious kids anymore--do you really think he would willingly trap himself into a movie theater with three kids from the ages of seven to nine on purpose? He found a way to pay some guy to bulk up to 260 lbs, slap on a Groucho moustache and memorize a couple of kids names, load him up on a plane and record the entire trip for America's Funniest Home Videos--the joke is on me.
2. He is so loaded up on anti-depressants that he couldn't possibly realize what he was doing. You don't just go 63 years of creating a personality for yourself that is so completely overwhelming for everybody with whom you come in contact, and then suddenly in one weekend, you pull back the reins and can relax and enjoy the moment. Maybe for a three hour respite, but not for four days. He can't pull that off without significant doses of something powerful. (By the way Dad, I may want to borrow some of whatever it was--I'll get back to you later on that one).
3. He saw that Seinfeld episode where George did everything the opposite of what he normally would do just before leaving Tampa and decided to give it a whirl. Hell, if it could work for Costanza, why not Grampa G? If this is the case, keep it up--this seems to be the best possible route for all of your future decisions.
4. The desire to prove me wrong was so powerful that he found a way to control every impulse in his body for four days. He reads this blog and has had several weeks to figure out the best way to make me eat my words. This is nothing new--proving me wrong has always been a powerful motivator for Grampa G, but I didn't think he had it in him. Way to go, Dad.
5. This one is the most far-fetched of the bunch, but since you have made it this far, please indulge me one more thought. Maybe, just maybe he actually took some of the sarcastic and generally inane BS on this blog to heart. Perhaps some of the not so subtle references to his historical behavior resonated a little too true for comfort. Look, I realize that this is probably a stretch, but there may be a slight chance that he recognized that some of the things he does (without intending it to be so) has a profoundly negative effect on those around him. There exists a miniscule possibility that he is trying to allow others to enjoy his company.

The toughest week of our winter visitors is behind us. We have Krissy and the Boys coming out in the middle of March and Gramma G arrives the day that they leave, but there is no overlap like this week. Gramma G will be staying at the resort, and at least Krissy isn't dropping her three monsters off and running off to Hawaii. She'll be here to endure the torture with the rest of us. I can't wait for the road trip with all of them to the Grand Canyon. Maybe I can convince Grampa G to tag along.